Burden
by allie4444
Summary: It's not his first choice of lifestyle, but does that mean he doesn't have a conscience of his own? Definitely not. Sometimes the kill really isn't worth it. Jasper loses control, Alice comforts. Rated T for mild language and mild violence.


**Disclaimer - I don't own the characters, or the wonderful world of Twilight. Kudos to Stephenie Meyer.**

I knew staying much longer was not an option. I wiped my mouth on the sleeve of my jacket and put my head between my knees, trying to breathe in only the smell of the cracked leather chair I was sitting on.

It didn't work – it never worked. Through the mess of other hospital scents – metal, sweat, bleach, vomit, piss – my kill's blood taunted me. I could still taste it, still feel it running down my throat, at once quenching and igniting a thousand times stronger the thirst that never left.

The hectic swirl of emotions that filled the emergency room was beginning to wear on my already dangerously thin sense of control. Numbly, I questioned why I was here, why I had even subjected myself to this torture. The girl was dead; I had made sure of it the moment I decided to move in.

I squeezed my eyes shut and forced Alice's face to the front of my mind. I grasped onto each feature of her beauty that I could. Radiant, snow white skin, an easy and breathtaking smile; if anything could calm me down, get me out of this hell, it was her.

And then as quickly as she was there, my angel was gone. In her place was a small child, skipping down her driveway; five, six years old at the most, with sweet, honey coloured curls pinned back into a set of braids_, _a ridiculously large and pink winter coat unzipped, the underlaying t-shirt exposing the smallest amount of her neck…

It was been too easy – she didn't even had time to tense before I tore into her soft skin, feeling her flesh cave and – oh, _god_, - the magnificent sweetness pour it's way down my throat and --

Someone tapped my back. The feeling was foreign – when was the last time I had been touched, voluntarily, by hands so warm? I sat up, swallowing the swell of venom that had been building in my mouth. Beside me, a woman held out a paper cone full of water. Her face was split in a half sympathetic, half curious smile.

Grateful for the sunglasses to cover my eyes, I allowed them to dart freely from her bushy, graying hair to the green and frayed scarf wrapped around her neck. It was looped once, and fell behind her, but couldn't have offered very much protection from the cold. She didn't wear a coat, only a thin black sweater that was cut in a wide scoop, exposing much of her neck and shoulders.

The pale white of her skin pulsed for a moment before my eyes – I quickly pinpointed the thin, blue veins crisscrossing around her collarbone and followed the line up to her jugular vein. _Just one bite, and all that blood_…

The hunger panged, sharp. I clenched my teeth together and tightened my hands into fists.

The woman's smile faltered, and I felt the emotions rolling off of her change dramatically. The stale air was suddenly tainted with fresh fear. She was regretting her attempt to reach out, and wished she had acted like the rest of the waiting room occupants by avoiding me. I couldn't blame them, or her, for being afraid.

There was something about me that repulsed humans.

And taking everything into consideration, that was definitely good.

I took the cup without thanks and shifted so that my body was angled away from her direction. It would be easier for her this way – when the fear and discomfort that she was starting to feel began to bubble over, she could leave her seat for one on the other side of the room without feeling awkward.

I counted to seven in my head before she finally moved.

It felt like I was slowly being pulled away from my body, my limbs becoming more difficult to move and slower to respond. I toyed with the idea of giving in to the tingle taking over me – could I simply cease to exist? My body would remain, the monster roaring at the final freedom, but if I no longer thought, no longer felt, surely that would be better than this torture.

Better for me, at least. I glanced at the woman now sitting on the other side of the room, fumbling with the snaps on her purse. I couldn't check out, not now. They would all be dead within the minute.

Question : Could I even separate myself from the monster anymore?

Answer : No.

The room was strangely quiet. The lone clock was ticking at an obnoxiously loud volume, and I struggled with the urge to tear it off of the pale gray wall it hung on. From the floor above me, I could hear a woman sobbing hysterically.

_Had someone stolen her child like I had?_

The sound of nearing footsteps pulled me back to my body with a startling abruptness. I sucked in a hiss as the pain – anguish – _hate_ – I hadn't realized I'd been suppressing broke free and flooded my poisonous veins.

The tired and deeply distraught looking man in scrubs that now stood before me seemed to feel the sudden wave of emotion I had unconsciously projected onto the room. His lips pulled down into a frown and his light eyes darkened considerably. I fought for some type of calm, of comfort, but found none within me willing to be found. All there remained was the pain - and the numbness.

I dragged myself up to my feet and shifted uncomfortably as the doctor struggled for words. I knew what he was going to say, and waiting for him to say it felt cruel and unnecessary. "There was nothing we could do," he finally said after a long drawn out moment of silence.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and my forefinger, the way I had seen my brother do thousands of times before. The action brought me no comfort, only a suddenly overwhelming wave of guilt. The faces of my family rushed to the front of my mind. I had killed a child, and it would kill them all.

Esme and Rosalie would both be heartbroken beyond comprehension, that I knew. Both would, no doubt, see the children they had never had in the one who's life I had stolen. Carlisle, in his incredible compassion, would mourn the loss as if she was his own. Emmett, with his adoration towards humans since Bella came into our lives, would be horrified.

_Bella_… the name echoed in my mind as her face, so trusting and pure, burned behind my retinas. She had always been so understanding, so accepting of my struggle. How could she even show me the most remote amount of sympathy when she heard what I had done? Would she be afraid of me, finally, the way she should have been since the beginning? The thought brought me more pain that I had anticipated.

And Edward could never understand. His control was unfathomable, rivaled Carlisle's. Every single day and night he showed me just how weak I really was. I pictured him brushing his lips across Bella's warm cheek with nothing but love in his eyes, and felt the self-hatred I was already fighting to keep down nearly bring me to my knees. He kissed her, touched _her_, his god damned _singer_, and I couldn't even drive past a painfully unremarkable child.

I didn't even want to think about how the final member of my family would feel.

I hated myself. I wished that they would hate me. And that's what made it even more unbearable – the fact that despite how they felt, they would take me back with open arms, never once blaming me.

If it was possible, I hated myself even more.

It took me a moment to find my voice, and when I did, I was surprised to hear how desolate I sounded. "Do you… do you know what happened to her?"

The man's mouth twisted for a moment and he glanced down at his feet. "Judging from the extent and nature of her injuries, it was most likely a wild animal. We get a lot of wolves here, and occasionally mountain lions. If they catch someone off guard, especially somebody so small.." his voice trailed off as the implications of his sentence weighed upon me.

"Where did you say you found her?" he asked, pulling out a clipboard.

I cleared my throat and shifted my feet, sending out a wave of calm and reassurance. "Just off the shoulder of the highway, due east, maybe two miles," I said, gesturing with my shoulder in the direction. "That's why I took her in myself – I thought it would be faster for me to bring her than to call for help." The man nodded, no suspicion present at all.

I exhaled a breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

"Well, we appreciate you bringing her in. There's not much else you can do here. I'm sorry that we weren't able to save her."

He left.

He left, and I watched him walk away.

I felt like screaming.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I reached for it instinctively, already knowing who it would be. _Alice,_ the calling display read. The usual thrill I felt at seeing her glorious name light up the screen, at knowing her delicate fingers had punched out the numbers to my cell, was absent. She knew what had happened, of course. Hiding my failure would be impossible.

For a wild moment I considered ignoring the call and leaving, never having to face this again. I could pretend that it had never happened. I could pretend that I wasn't a disgusting monster, that I wasn't weaker then the rest of my family.

But I needed her – I physically ached to hear her beautiful voice and see her perfect face again.

I flicked open the phone and pressed it to my ear.

"Jasper, I'm on my way," Alice said softly. "I love you, I love you, I love you – please don't think about leaving. You know that anywhere you go, I go."

Her voice sounded more perfect than I remembered. The beauty of it sent a tremor through my body. I closed my eyes, abruptly overtaken with self-disgust. I didn't deserve her, I didn't deserve her words.

But I desperately needed them, and the solace they provided.

What should I say?

_Help._

_I did it again._

I inhaled a shaky breath. "I'm not going anywhere. I just need to go home."

"I know, I know. I'm outside."

I flipped the phone shut and rushed towards the sliding glass doors, bursting outside into the cold and damp air. My eyes quickly zoned in on her bright yellow Porsche pulling around the corner. The car squealed to a halt and my angel flung herself out the door, rushing towards me with too much speed than was entirely wise, considering we were in full view of a lot of humans.

I didn't care. She slammed herself against me, wrapping her tiny arms around my waist and burying her face in my sweater. My body shook of it's own accord as her scent overcame me, and I let out a sob into her hair.

"I kept seeing you leaving," she whispered as she looked up to my face for the first time. I noticed the shock register on her face as she saw my now burgundy eyes, but she quickly hid it. I was grateful. "I was afraid I wouldn't get here in time."

"Never, love. I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry, Alice, I didn't-"

"Don't apologize. There's nothing to apologize for. Let's just go home."

I let her lead me to the car and stepped into the passenger side. The car smelled like her, and only her, and I felt myself growing more calm then I had anticipated was possible.

Alice twisted the key in the ignition and we pulled on the highway within minutes. The car was near silent on the road.

Neither of us spoke for a long while. I stared at the lines before us, watching them stretching out and then getting sucked underneath of the car. It was mesmerizing, in a way, but my mind started to wander dangerously.

As usual, it was drawn back to my family.

"Does, uhm," I cleared my throat, uncomfortable with breaking the silence, but needing to know the answer. "Does everyone… already know?"

Alice didn't answer, so I slid my eyes towards her and saw that she was nodding. Fear spluttered in my chest as I took in her blank expression.

"What is it?"

She shot a quick look my way, her previous mask melting into concern.

"It's nothing, Jazz. I told them as soon as I saw it. Everyone's just really worried about you."

I let that hang in the air as I directed my gaze back to the road. Worried – the word seemed to be spun out of glass, perilously breakable and not offering me any real support. Worried could mean many different things.

I allowed myself to remember the last time I had lost control like this. It was almost too easy to recall – the hardwood floors were suddenly beneath my feet, and the fragrant air was rushing past my body as I lunged forward, not a part of my body, not separate from it. I just was what I was naturally made to be – a monster, intent of getting my kill.

_She_ had looked so startled, so genuinely surprised at me. Had she not known? She had always trusted me too much, much more than she should have. I pictured her pale face, her innocent, wide doe eyes -

"Huh?" Alice's voice brought me back to the present. I turned to face her.

"What?"

"You just said Bella's name."

I froze.

"No I didn't."

Alice snorted. "Yes, you did. I heard you."

I exhaled slowly, unsure of what to say. Alice's beautiful, penetrating eyes spun to capture mine and I didn't look away. She seemed to be searching for something, and worry lined her forehead the longer she stared at me.

"Jasper. What are you thinking?"

I groaned, closing my eyes and resting my head against the headrest.

"Bella," I said simply. Alice didn't reply, evidently waiting for more.

I huffed out my breath, lifting my head and slamming it back against the seat. "It could have been Bella."

"That is not true!" Alice said sharply.

I opened my eyes and was met with her angry expression. "Yes it is! You know as well as I do that I'm out of control. What if next time it's her, and Edward doesn't get between us fast enough?" Absently, I noticed that my hands were gripping the sides of the passenger seat so tightly that it was ripping, but my brain couldn't seem to send the signal to my fingers to loosen up. I just listened to the sound of the leather tearing away.

Alice squinted her eyes together for a minute – I realized that my anger was starting to affect her as well. But I couldn't control it.

Big surprise.

"Jasper," Alice said again, more softly this time. " For somebody so good at dealing with other people's emotions, you really seem to have absolutely no idea about your own. You were out of control – that doesn't mean that you are. Edward will always be there to protect Bella, not that he needs to be. You could never do that. You love her."

I didn't deny it. The thought had been dwelling inside of me for sometime, probably since I had learned of the Bella's cliff dive. The overwhelming emotions that had taken over me – not just the guilt – had forced me to really take a look at how I was feeling, and the truth had surprised me: I loved Bella as if she were a part of my family already.

But that didn't matter.

None of it mattered.

Love had no hold over monsters like me. Love was the thin, twine rope that you laced around our wrists and ankles, making you feel so safe and secure around us until, inevitably, we broke free. And killed you.

It's just what we did.

Alice seemed to be sensing my train of thought. She ran a hand through my hair and, when she spoke, her voice was so much more hesitant than I was used to.

"Love, I know that this wasn't your choice of lifestyle. I know that I'm the reason you're doing this. And I just ... I just want you to know, we are all so, so proud of you. I am so proud of you."

My throat suddenly felt tight, restricted. I struggled for the air I didn't need.

"Why did you bring her in?" Alice whispered quietly, changing the topic. I loosened my hold on the car's upholstery and willed myself to calm down.

I knew what Alice meant.

There was no way the little girl could have survived what I had done to her – and if she had, somehow, bringing the girl to the hospital could have been putting us all in danger of exposure.

"I thought…" I hesitated, unsure of what to say. I didn't want to upset Alice. She didn't deserve to feel any pain from this – this pain was all mine. But lying to her was impossible. The words rushed out of me quickly. "I thought her parents deserved to have a funeral with more than an empty casket. And I didn't want them to wonder… what happened to her, if she was alive."

My voice shook on the last word, and I felt my chest convulse strangely. Alice leaned over in her seat and pressed her lips against my cheek. "I love you," she whispered fiercely. "We all do. And nothing that you do can _ever_ –"

"Please, don't," I whispered. She frowned at me, but pulled back, refocusing on the road. The trees blurred past us as we sped home. The haze of green and gray made my head spin and I suddenly felt a sensation similar to nausea.

"She had a name," I said quietly. Alice took her right hand off the wheel and reached across the car to stroke my jaw. I nuzzled into her soft touch, letting my eyes shut.

"Sarah," I breathed. "her mother… her mother had written it on the bottom of her shoe. With marker."

Alice didn't speak.

"Sarah." I mouthed the word soundlessly, feeling it roll off of my tongue, trying out the way it felt on my lips. _Sarah, Sarah, Sarah._

It began to sound less like a name and more like a chant, a song, a promise.

Sarah.

_Sarah._

You will be my last.

I didn't speak for the monster inside of me. He wouldn't give a damn. But Sarah – precious, perfect, beautiful Sarah – would be _my_ last kill.

I never wanted to feel the burden of a stolen human life weighing on me again.

I knew that much was true.


End file.
